“For the last several months- I never allowed myself to get too excited- never allowing myself to celebrate any victory. It was safer that way for me- if I didn’t get excited, I couldn’t be let down.
I’d done this before - many times before - over and over and over - for different reasons, in different ways, using different methods.
But in me, just like in everyone, there lives 2 wolves... and sometimes, many times, I get real caught up in feeding the bad one.
There was never a significant event- one certain moment I could pinpoint why I started doing bad or why I started doing good. I couldn’t force doing good. I tried to wish it. I don’t know how many times I felt guilty using a wish on me while blowing on a dandelion - but I would, every once in awhile, waste one wish- just one- and it was for God to give me willpower and motivation.
So this year, after reaching out to many bariatric surgeons to see if they could reverse my lap band into a gastric bypass, after trying keto, and WW.. after cutting out meat, trying two different kinds of diet pills and attending OA Overeaters Anonymous meetings - I happened to have the good fortune to stumble upon a post offering coaching. Coaching regarding powerlifting, nutrition, and/or weight loss.
I took a chance, sent a text- and the next day there was a text back. I remember asking Scott “should I try this - could I afford this?” as Scott and I seem to have a ‘problem’ taking in animals needing homes - and - Scott being who he is, didn’t try to persuade or disuade me. So after a zoom meeting, which I couldn’t figure out the sound, with this coach, I did it- pulled the trigger, took a chance on me. What is that saying ?‘ back your own horse baby, bet on yourself.’
••But let’s back up- while talking with this coach I was just hoping for any help- 10, 20, if I was lucky , a 25 lbs weight loss - so we set a small goal of 25 lbs (which I knew there was no way in hell I could accomplish) and long term, arbitrary number I threw out ‘ like , ideally, in my dreams ‘ I need to lose 50..
I knew I’d get an assignment Monday sometime- so that Monday, I woke up, thinking it wouldn’t be ready. I got ready for work and planned on stopping at some fast food joint to actually get breakfast and eat a big hearty unhealthy last meal-you know, to ‘treat myself.’
But when I looked at my app the assignment was already there- the macros were set - and I had to just go! Like now! I mean! I had this privilege of working with a coach I had watched transform himself time and time again thru out the years, someone who knew what he was doing... and I couldn’t back out now.
In hindsight that Monday ‘surprise’ turned out to be the best thing to happen to me to help me reach some goals- I started, and I never stopped. It was the magic switch, the wish I’d been wishing; go time.
But I’ve been and I remain reluctant to celebrate any wins- as just as many times I’d win; I’ve fallen back and failed. Today I looked back though and realized there’s a lot of wins. I wanted to work with Kyle so bad and I wanted to be successful that I finally, after 14 years, weaned myself of Ambien!!!! That’s HUGE. I’ve night ate and ruined progress because of ambien and ‘lack of inhibitions’ with food more times than I could ever count. I’ve learned how to lift weights (kinda) and used methods not focused on just cardio - I’ve strength trained for the first time in my life. I’ve tracked foods daily- and you know what’s the Hugest? ( if that’s a word) I didn’t let this journey consume my life - I didn’t obsess. I accepted where I was and knew I needed to move forward. I mean look, I’m 37, I’m not ever gonna look like a model- I can’t pull off yoga pants, I have jowls.
But you know, that’s ok now - I no longer look to or for the approval of others. I look to myself .
We all have our own demons- mine just happens to be weight, food, and body image, yada yada. ( I mean I just don’t think I can pull off snorting cocaine everyday and be a ‘functioning’ adult)- but you know, I could eat and beat myself up and then eat and - well we all know the cycle -and we all have our vices..At the end of the day no one really cares how big or small a person is- the goal is to be ok with who you are; however you are- so these days, the only approval I look for is my own.
The last day of 2019 I put an screen saver on my phone with two images of me that read ‘2020 get back to the pic on the left’. I had no action plan, no motivation, and I just hoped it would make something click inside me. I can easily say, I’d never tell you today that I did it.
I got back to the pic on the left! ( I mean, kinda- I’m older and not as lean) And I did it by trusting my coach, doing his assignments (no more and no less ( except for those side planks - I mean - I don’t know that I’ve actually every truly completed all those, shh), and knowing he was there ‘with’ me every step of the way.
So I had to tell you way too much boring stuff about me to lead up to tell you about him.
*He’s wicked smart and knows his stuff -
he has humor, he likes dogs, he talks with an accent (and I love accents !), he gives me daily assignments and feedback, he’s positive, and he has a gigantic smile. And I can never thank him enough for taking a chance on me.*
Someone once told me ‘ be proud of where you are, but keep going .’ And that’s what I plan to do... just keep going, with one helluva coach by my side.
{199 days- it took 199 days to lose 50 lbs-my dad would always say it wasn’t the 199th day that an alcoholic was sober, but the 1st day- the day they took that first step, that was the biggest day. But those 199 days will not be the hardest for me- the future will be. It’ll be in building strength and maintenance that I know I will rely on Kyle heavily to help me stay in the day and stay afloat}”
- Ashley B.